Sorry. I hold monthly moon circles, work as a holistic healer/professor, do all sort of witchy things whenever possible, and am on a mission to help break down the Patriarchy in whatever small ways I can – especially for and with my white cis-woman community. You need to understand the history of that word with lesbians before you can make claims about it in general. But the fact that the word was historically restricted to cis lesbians does not mean it needs to be today. So this blew my mind, YAT/TA: “Femme labor looks like creating soft rooms of satin for your lovers, and laying underneath the carpeted ground as they roll around with their newly remembered, healed, and transformed selves. In what ways? Most of my exes are definitely caretakers, as I am, and it’s really important to me to cultivate an equal partnership in emotional labor when I’m dating. It is as anachronistic as calling someone who died in the 1500s queer. That’s why gay guys are always criminalised and lesbians aren’t, because women are too oppressed to be gay (and it literally says exactly that in Hansard readings of pretty much every countries’ sodomy laws). In my own life, and in friends’ lives to some extent, what I’ve seen is that anyone can give care, but there is a kind of finesse to femme caretaking– a butch can buy you a shirt for your birthday but a femme will get you the shirt you noticed in the mall one day. Frankly, I think it’s bizarre to have a problem with any queer or non-binary person using it.
I love all this. I wish we were better as queers and as feminist at honoring the movements and people who came before us both without deifying and fossilizing them AND without labeling them as “problematic” and Bad and dismissing them entirely. Gender presentation is a difficult road to walk and after going to a Pride event where I only received attention from men last weekend… I caught myself wondering am I going to have to cut off my hair and shelve my silk blouse and a-line shorts. I don’t get dressed to tick off boxes or be sorted into a category; I get dressed to capture a very specific hyper-feminine feeling that isn’t quite complete until the last lash is lacquered. People are going to call themselves what they want, whether they are aware of its appropriatI’ve nature or not. We are upset and hurting because people are taking our identity/way of life and completely changing it, and claiming it as their own, and they’re not even letting us have a say in it!. Fuck the male/female binary shit: just SPARKLES and/or MAKEUP and/or LACE and just generally WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL CARED FOR AND LOVELY AND LIKE THE WORLD HAS LOVELY THINGS IN IT. Femme is a word used by lesbians to explain a specific social position and way of living. I personally am really ready to see more femme lesbians in pop culture. Both of these perspectives are possible and do not negate one another. Not to be that buzzkill, but romanticizing doing more than your share of the emotional labor, especially if you are the sort of person (like, for example, an afab person or a transfeminine person) who’s very likely to have been socialized to do more than their share of the emotional labor, is much more dangerous than aesthetic without politics.
We are telling you how we feel about the issue and you are dismissing that. this is such an amazing read—both the round table and the comments! for me, it’s been a way my labor has been exploited.
On the surface I would be considered a white, straight, cis-woman at first glance. If it were only that simple!
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Lighting a candle and saying a spell for another femme is a strategy that reminds me how important it is to comfort and protect each other. The sheer level of disrespect in this comment for the older generation of women that fought so hard for our rights is astounding.“The history of the word may certainly be honored, but to argue that the expansion and evolution of the word renders it meaningless… ?” Ok, let’s suppose we leave aside the issue of whether or not femme should remain lesbian-specific, a topic on which I doubt we’ll be able to come to an agreement. No, kidding, but I think femme has always been relevant. It’s almost like the femme identity… is invisible. "Femme means that you’ve got some sensitivity that doubles as strength and you are down to aestheticize it, commune over it, or fucking fuck about it." Femme used to be a label I was comfortable with but the idea that being femme has anything to do with being sensitive or emotional labor or other characteristics that have been labeled traditionally feminine in a patriarchal society makes me feel incredibly gross. (And, in my understanding, “femme” was also used in ballroom cultures and those super different queer scenes.) Immediately when I saw the emotional labor question I thought “Uh absolutely not.” That is just such an unhealthy mentality!And I was confused too about the Femme word not belonging to the wlw culture… I thought that was exactly what it was for, no? I applaud everyone pointing out that ‘femme’ is not antithetical to non-monosexual or non-binary identities. I don’t think we’re reinventing or reclaiming the word, I just think it’s not been seen. For many, it's about owning the stereotypes and expectations so often placed on women and making them our own.
I don’t think people without that mindset really realize how self-sacrificial caretaking can be, and wouldn’t necessarily consent to it if they did. ), but I do want to honor all that they survived and created and passed on, and I try to do that in my femme identity. That has to be up to me.We can move forward, even as we look back. Context always matters. I am glad this roundtable exists, and I am glad the discussion in the comments section exists too.
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